


the feelings i’ve hidden (still remain as a painful secret memory)

by sol6ist



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: ??? not really tho, ALSO theres gonn be some profanity, Alternate Universe, Angst, Implied drinking, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, Unhappy Ending, but like. Kinda slow development...ish, frustrating characters LOL, happy ending not guaranteed, lil bit of fluff and shitty humor to keep things light, side markhyuck just because, uhh just to be safe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:07:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22223038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sol6ist/pseuds/sol6ist
Summary: Dong Sicheng doesn't believe in soulmates - or anything magical, in general. He likes science and numbers better, where everything had an explanation, where he won't be left wondering and plagued with silly thoughts and unanswered questions to keep him awake at night. But something about Nakamoto Yuta shakes his faith.or,Dong Sicheng realizes his feelings a little too late.Five years too late, to be exact.
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Nakamoto Yuta, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 16
Kudos: 95





	the feelings i’ve hidden (still remain as a painful secret memory)

**Author's Note:**

> title is from f(x) ft. D.O.'s Goodbye Summer.
> 
> this is my first ff so.... i'm pretty sure this is going to suck balls lmfaoooo im SO sorry. i hope you enjoy anyway ! also this isnt edited and it's like . 4 AM here. good night .

Beside him, Yuta laughs.

The laugh is so loud the librarian had to give their table a nasty look. Sicheng cringes from his seat and tries to pretend he's not affiliated with Yuta and Donghyuck.

"I'm pretty sure Kim Dongyoung will win this election. That guy's got a fuck-ton of supporters."

"But Lee Taeyong's got a large fanbase, too."

"Eh." Yuta shrugs and leans his back on the chair he's sitting on. He snakes his arms around Sicheng's shoulder. "I don't know. I still think Doyoung'll win, though. He was recommended by Taeil, after all." The previous student council president.

Donghyuck opens his mouth to argue but closes them the moment his phone vibrates. Grumbling, he pulls his cell from his pocket and - _woah_ \- lights up when he sees the caller's ID. "The love of my life's asking for a Skype. I gotta go."

Yuta wiggles his eyebrows playfully. "Is he the reason why you're planning to go to Canada this winter break?"

Sicheng frowns. Canada's miles away from South Korea. Donghyuck shouldn't be impulsive in making decisions as risky as this.

"I have a distant cousin there, anyway. I'll stay with her." Sensing Sicheng's discomfort, the eighteen-year old assures.

"That's cool!" Yuta exclaims and Sicheng really tries to not look at the wide smile on his friend's face. "It sucks that Mark's away from you, though. It's a good thing the love of my life's sitting just right here beside me!"

Yuta gives Sicheng a playful grin as he squeezes his shoulder. He tries not to wince. Yuta's always been like this even when they were kids. He just didn't expect Yuta to like him still, even after five years of waiting and pursuing and getting rejected at every attempt of flirting.

"Stop that." Sicheng hisses under his breath.

"Oh!" Yuta immediately removes his hand from the younger. "Sorry. I should have asked for your permission first."

"Yeah. You really should have."

* * *

"I told you Doyoung'd win."

Yuta's smirk looks so _stupid_ and he sounds so _stupid_ and Sicheng doesn't understand why his heart raced against his chest. The older man notices his silence and mouths, _'You okay?'_

Sicheng nods and looks away.

* * *

From the corner of his eye, he notices the newly-elected Student Council President looking at their table with his own peers. He gathers the guts to look at their space and sees the older guy tense and hear the obnoxious cooing of his friends (especially the tall one's) and realizes Doyoung was not staring at their _table,_ but at an oblivious _Yuta._

 _Huh._ Sicheng doesn't understand the sudden sickening emotion he felt on his stomach. Sicheng doesn't like not understanding things. He doesn't like not knowing, not being sure, so he pushes the ugly emotion away and continues to eat his rice balls (made by Yuta who made him his very own bento box).

"Make sure to eat a lot, Cheng-ah." Yuta purrs sweetly as he plays with Sicheng's ear, a fond look on his face, oblivious to Doyoung's stare.

Sicheng freezes at the contact and commands his thrashing heart to shut the fuck up and stay silent. It doesn't.

* * *

Sicheng remembers how he met Yuta. He fails to recall, however, how the two of them managed to stay friends that they even decide to find an apartment and be roommates for college

_(13-year old Dong Sicheng is alone but not lonely. He watches in silence as his mother teaches soccer to some skinny middle school boys and catches the attention of a foreign-looking guy. Said guy approaches him behind his mother's back._

_"Aren't you going to play?" He asks before giving him a cheeky grin, eyes almost vanishing as his cheeks swallow his face whole. "I'm Yuta!"_ )

"How are you spending your Christmas?" Yuta asks at the first night of December. Their winter break is thirteen days away.

Their cheap TV is softly playing in the background, a painfully heterosexual, Korean drama on display. He sees Yuta grimace in displeasure when the main male lead forces a kiss on the heroine to prove his love. Sicheng frowns.

"Do I make you feel like that?"

He turns to Yuta. "I'm sorry?"

The man in question can't bring himself to look at him, eyes glued on the television screen. "Uncomfortable. Do I make you feel uncomfortable?"

 _You used to_ , Sicheng almost answers. But he doesn't. Instead he tries to recall the times they've spent together and ask himself if he has ever felt uncomfortable. He had, once. When Sicheng was 13 and Yuta was 15. He remembers Yuta confessing to him and declaring they'll get married someday beneath the Cherry Blossoms on Yuta's hometown. Sicheng spent a few numbers of his nights sleepless after that day.

"You don't make me uncomfortable." He answers, anyway.

Yuta nods and finally looks at him. "Can I touch you?"

He snorts. "Depends on where you'll put your hands on."

"I wanna cuddle."

A lump forms on Sicheng's throat. He swallows it down. "I – uh – I guess –"

"Sicheng. Look at me." He looks at him. Sicheng's already memorized the look of Yuta's face since he was 16, but he thinks he'll never get used to it. "I want you to be comfortable with me. If I say... or do anything too weird for you... Tell me. Is that — is that okay?"

Sicheng appreciates his honest words, appreciates that he cares. He definitely doesn't think he's envious Yuta can voice out his thoughts bravely without cringing or fearing rejection.

 _But then_ , a small voice in him whispers, _maybe he_ does _fear rejection — and maybe he's not as brave as Sicheng thinks, but he_ tries _to be. That alone is admirable enough. Yuta is everything Sicheng is not. Yuta is everything Sicheng won't ever deserve._

"Sure." He fakes nonchalance. He thinks he shouldn't have.

* * *

He shouldn't have.

"I'm staying here in our apartment for Christmas. I can't afford tickets to go to China right now."

Yuta loudly yells from their kitchen. "I think I'll go out on Christmas eve! Do you need anything?"

Sicheng's eyebrows furrow and makes his way toward their kitchen. Yuta's cooking something for dinner (he always does), and Sicheng would have complimented him if only the thought of Yuta being away on Christmas eve didn't bother him. Or set an ugly sensation on his stomach.

"You have plans on Christmas?" _Without me?_ He almost adds.

Yuta nods without looking at him, focused on the vegetables he's chopping. They're carrots, he recognizes. "Doyoung asked for my help to pick up some —"

" _What_ — you — _you_ and _Doyoung_?"

"Yeah? What's up?"

"I just — I didn't _know_ you two were close."

"We're really not." Yuta glances at him before laughing. "Is my Sicheng jealous? You're so _adorable_. Don't worry. You're the only one for me."

"I'm — _I'm not_!" He really should know where to stop talking. "I don't care about who you hang out with! I don't — I don't see _why_ I'll _care._ I don't even _like_ you!"

 _See._ He really should know when to stop talking.

Sicheng freezes the moment he realized what he just said, what he just implied. Yuta's not looking at him, but he has suddenly grown quiet, and Sicheng finds his chin trembling while thinking of all the possible, ugly emotions his friend might be feeling.

He tries to apologize. "Yuta, I'm — I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

He is, anyway.

* * *

_Yuta sure is true to his words_ , Sicheng thinks as he spends the evening alone. He types Donghyuck a message to keep himself distracted.

**Hey.**

Donghyuck's reply comes quickly.

**Hyung! What's wrong?**

Another arrives.

**I'm with Mark right now! ^^ Want us to call you?**

**Yes please** , he types but deletes them right away. He can't bother Donghyuck right now. So instead he says: **Everything's OK. Enjoy your Christmas, Hyuck.**

The sound of the door opening makes Sicheng turn his head to the doorway, revealing Yuta. He smiles warmly at Sicheng. "Hey."

Sicheng tries his best to sound like he's not melting beneath his gaze. "Hey."

"I got you some takoyaki. Wanna eat together?"

He doesn't even have to ask. "Of course."

The two eat together in comfortable silence, until Yuta speaks up and asks about his day. Sicheng lies and says he had fun being alone. He shouldn't have.

He watches as Yuta's phone buzzes from the table and reveals Sicheng's stolen picture as his wallpaper. He pretends he didn't notice, pretends he didn't feel a faint blush creep on his cheeks. Yuta smiles and types something before letting go of his phone.

"Was it Doyoung?" He blurts out.

"Huh?" Yuta jumps from his seat, "Uh — yes. He asked me if I got home safely."

"He sounds sweet."

Yuta gives him silence, a time to think. Sicheng wastes it. "He asked me for another date on New Year's eve."

Here's the thing: Sicheng has never been the jealous type of person. When he was eight and his childhood friend, Kun, gained new friends, he didn't mind. He knew it'd be ridiculous for him to demand his friend's attention from time to time. When his little sister was born and took his mother away from him, he kept silent. He knew harboring petty hatred for an innocent child is ridiculous and stupid and ugly.

So why the _fuck_ does he feel _ridiculous_ and _stupid_ and _ugly_ at the thought of Yuta slipping away from him.

"Should I go?"

"What?"

Yuta's eyes don't meet his. "On the second date with Doyoung. Should I go?"

 _No._ A selfish voice in him says. _Stay here, with me. As you have always have._

Yuta's been pursuing him for five years now, he could just scoop Yuta's annoyingly handsome face with his hands and kiss him full on the mouth and selfishly say: ' _You're mine_ ' and he's certain Yuta would get rid of Doyoung's name on his mind. He's sure. He's confident. It's always been him for Yuta.

"You can do whatever you want." He hears himself say and Britney Spears’ voice rings on his head: _Oops! I did it again_.

* * *

Sicheng later on learns Yuta helped Doyoung manage the soccer ball team when he was having a hard time patronizing them. That was how they met, but Sicheng's convinced the little story is just an excuse for Doyoung to get closer with Yuta. He's seen him steal glances at cafeteria, heard the president's friends snicker whenever they pass by their group on hallways.

He's not as stupid as people claim Sicheng to be.

* * *

Okay... So maybe he is.

It's the 6th of January and Donghyuck's finally back on Seoul, a lovesick look adorning his face.

"He plays the guitar, hyung. Oh my fucking _God_. He was — _he was so_ —" He imitates a chef's kiss and Yuta laughs loudly beside him.

"Don't come to our apartment if you're just going to tell us about your crush." Sicheng rolls his eyes.

"He's not just a _crush_ , he's my _boyfriend._ " Donghyuck clicks his tongue. "Just say you're jealous because you'll never be brave enough to confess and —"

Sicheng's heart soars against his chest. He immediately covers his underclassman's foul mouth with his palm and glares. Donghyuck licks his palm.

"You disgusting — piece of —!"

"You like someone?" Yuta asks amidst the commotion.

"Uh." Oh, shit. "Yeah."

Sicheng honestly doesn't know what he's so terrified of. Yuta loves him, he's assured countless times. Everyone knows Yuta loves him, even his mother, even the neighbor's cat.

Dong Sicheng doesn't believe in soulmates - or anything magical, in general. He likes science and numbers better, where everything had an explanation, where he won't be left wondering and plagued with silly thoughts and unanswered questions to keep him awake at night. But something about Nakamoto Yuta shakes his faith. It terrifies him. You see, Sicheng's so afraid of letting himself be _happy_ and _relaxed_ and — and _in love._ He fears clinging on things he knows can get taken from him anytime. Sicheng fears abandonment so he never gets himself too attached to anyone. Whenever, wherever. Sicheng fears love so he doesn't love at all. Maybe he should have.

"Who?" Yuta asks in a small voice and Sicheng thinks he's going to burst in tears if he doesn't answer who.

 _It's you_. Sicheng wants to say. _I don't know how. I don't know why. I don't even know since when, but I think — I feel like — it's_ you. _Maybe it had even always been._

"Kun." The name's out before he can stop himself. From the corner of his eyes, he sees Donghyuck roll his eyes.

" _Oh._.. That's... interesting." Yuta clears his throat. "I — I'm happy for you. He's a great guy."

"Yeah." Someone stop him. _Oh my God._ Someone stop Sicheng from adding fuel to the fire.

"I — I think I have to... go."

Yuta comes home drunk that night.

* * *

Donghyuck tells him it's natural to be scared, later on. _But then_ , the young self-proclaimed philosopher adds, _if you stay scared for the rest of your life, you'll lose things only bravery can help you keep._

* * *

Sicheng tries to convince himself Yuta and Doyoung are just friends, but the moment the two enter the cafeteria with Yuta's arms flung around Doyoung's shoulder, Sicheng's heart shakes painfully. A voice at the back of his head whispers the (very unlikely, if you ask him) pair had become something else — something _more._ The longer he stares, the louder the voice gets. So he looks away.

"Cheng-ah," Yuta greets him before taking the seat in front. He flashes him a smile and Sicheng melts at the sight of it. Doyoung eyes him. "Where's Hyuck?"

"Buying some sandwich."

"I see. This is Doyoung, by the way."

"I know." He doesn't mean to say it bitterly, really. Yuta frowns.

"Hey, Sicheng. Yuta's told me about you." Doyoung beams at him, unfazed. "Yuta's helping me with the soccer team."

"I know. I heard." He turns to Yuta. "You didn't bring me a box today."

"Oh!" Yuta sounds like he's genuinely surprised. "So that's what I forgot to do this morning. I'm sorry, Sicheng. I — I was on the rush and —"

"You hang out with other people and suddenly you forget about me."

"It's — it's really not like that. I'll give you one tomorrow, how does that sound?"

Sounds like bullshit. "I don't want you to —" Sicheng begins to realize he's being irrational when he notices the guilty and sad look on Yuta's face and Doyoung's definitely-not-amused stare. He looks like he's about to roundhouse kick Sicheng on the face. In the middle of the cafeteria. Jesus _fuck,_ Doyoung looks like he's ready to go risk it all for Yuta. _Jesus._

"I'm sorry. I – I just... I just had a bad morning."`

"I'm sorry, too." Yuta says quietly. Sicheng's hands are on the table, but Yuta doesn't grab them. Yuta doesn't rub his knuckles in an attempt to comfort the younger boy. Hell, Yuta hasn't even looked at him with the look he used to give and — and Sicheng used to take for granted. But he sounds genuinely sorry, so sincere that Sicheng's voice wavers.

"Don't be."

He knows Yuta is, anyway. Even when he shouldn't be.

* * *

"Yuta. You're drunk."

"What? _Nooooo_! That's silly. I'm not — I'm _not_ drunk," Yuta insists drunkly, the smell of strong alcohol reeking from his mouth. "Wait. Where the fuck am I?"

"Our apartment." Sicheng bites his lip. He tucks Yuta to his bed and sighs loudly. "Do you want me to change your clothes or do you want to sleep?"

"Hmmm..." He murmurs unintelligibly against his pillow. "Don't change my clothes. I wanna — sleep."

"Alright." Now softly, Sicheng replies. "I'll be in my room if you need me."

"No." Yuta grabs his wrist, but immediately recoils. "Oh, _fuck_. That's what happens on K-dramas. I'm so sorry. I hate that trope."

"I forgive you." Sicheng lightly laughs, sitting on the corner of Yuta's bed. It's so easy to forgive him.

"Then, can you stay?" Yuta asks in a small voice. "Cuddle with me?"

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

"I — uh —"

"If you're uncomfortable, you can say no." He adds. "Sicheng doesn't like cuddling with me. I like being cuddled. Maybe you can —"

"I can! I — I can..."

Yuta grins and makes space beside him for Sicheng to take. The latter gulps. He's never cuddled with Yuta before. He lays beside him wordlessly, nonetheless, and covers the two of them with Yuta's comforter. Yuta wraps his right arm on Sicheng's waist to pull him close, tucking the younger boy on his chest, under his chin. Sicheng closes his eyes and breathes contentedly. He wonders if Yuta has always felt like this. Like finally coming home after years of being lost. Like finally being found. Like _home_. Sicheng's never the poetic type, but _then_ he hears the beating of Yuta's heart against his ear, and Sicheng suddenly thinks: _I could make a fucking sonnet out of this._

He could get used to this.

He could spend his nights like this forever.

Sicheng plays with Yuta's hair before giving his nose a light kiss.

* * *

Sicheng wakes up before Yuta can open his eyes. He uses the time to prepare breakfast for the two of them, definitely _not_ thinking about how domestic the situation looked like. He doesn't dare dream about what a life with Yuta like _this_ 'll feel like. Like it's something they have already practiced when they were kids, like a life with Yuta is as natural as breathing.

He doesn't dare go there - especially when he prepares to wake up Yuta only for him to hear his voice talking to someone on the phone.

"Doie? I just woke up..." Sicheng hears Yuta say, voice husky and sounding sleepy. The name - heck, that wasn't even just a name. That was a _nickname_. "Hmm. I got home safely... I will... How about you? Did you eat?"

Sicheng blood runs cold. He feels as though he has just woken up albeit he's the first person to leave Yuta's room.

"Sicheng? What're you doing?" Yuta must have noticed Sicheng's back. "Come here."

"I brought you something to drink for your hangover..." Fuck. Sicheng realizes he could get used to seeing Yuta's face in the morning. He could really get used to this. To _him._

Yuta grins. "You're the best. Did you - uh - take care of me when I was...?"

"I did. You came home drunk last night. You -" He stops to think for better words to use. He can't think of any. "- you should have called me to pick you up."

"It would have been dangerous."

He doesn't know if he's being brave or bold or merely overstepping boundaries. "I wouldn't have cared."

Yuta stares at him for a long time. Long enough for Sicheng to look away. He thinks Yuta's searching for something he can't quite bring himself to name, can't quite bring himself to acknowledge.

He wonders if Yuta found what he was looking for when he speaks. "Thank you, Sicheng. Can we talk after we have our breakfast?"

"Sure. I - I also have... something to say to you."

Yuta's hands find their way toward his. "Okay."

He hates that Yuta sounds so distant even though they're only a few breaths, a few spaces away. Sicheng thinks he's losing him too soon.

* * *

Turns out, he's already lost him.

"I want to apologize." Yuta starts as they wash the dishes together. _~~How domestic.~~_ He hands Sicheng the last plate and the younger wipes it dry. "For five years... I-"

"Stop," Sicheng sternly warns, and he's proud of his voice for not trembling. "I already told you. You - you were never a bother."

"Please let me apologize, Sicheng." Sicheng would seriously kill for Yuta to call him by his corny nickname again. "I... I chased after you even when you were.. Even when you liked someone else."

In another universe, Sicheng imagines, he would have kissed Yuta's worries away. 

_I love you_. He would have breathed, the heavy burden he'd been carrying on his chest slowly disappearing as he said the words louder. _I love you.  
_

In another universe where he summoned his guts earlier, where he didn't waste the chances given to him, Sicheng would have told Yuta, _you are the love of my life too. You have been since I was 14. Even when I saw you grind on that stupid minion on our first middle school trip. Even when you received your first piercing and cried on our way home, because_ fucking hell _, you were terrified your_ dog _would get scared of you. I loved you since I was 16. Wearing braces and my cheeks stuffed with baby fats you never hesitate to kiss when I feel insecure. I've loved you since I was seventeen, the moment you defended me from a homophobic lecturer and got yourself three hours of detention. I've loved you. I love you. Perhaps I even always will._

 _I've loved on all the days you loved me back, Yuta._ Sicheng would have finally confessed. _I_ _just never said it back._

But then, what would happen next if he did? They might date. Might grow even more in love with each other - but they might also grow apart and start to realize _this isn't what they wanted, after all_ and their relationship would get ruined and they'll never be able to be friends anymore and - Sicheng can't let that happen.

So instead he whispers, "I forgive you."

* * *

Yuta and Doyoung start officially going out on June. The way Doyoung asked him out is nothing extravagant or grand. Sicheng hates himself for being competitive, hates himself for thinking: _I would have done better. I would have confessed to him beneath Yuta's favorite Cherry Blossom trees instead of some nameless restaurant and -_ and he stops and realizes - _he already had his time._ It's not a matter of how he _would_ have done better, but a how he _could_ have done better.

Sicheng gets drunk that night on a local bar alone. After getting a few shots of vodka - _heh, like in the Vine_ , he laughs to himself - Sicheng finds himself dialling Yuta's number.

"Sicheng?" He answers after two rings. "Where are you? It's already one in the morning. I'm getting worried."

He ignores the question. "Why does it have to be Doyoung?"

Alcohol really is a piece of shit for making him pour out his emotions like this.

"What was that? Sorry, your music's too loud, Cheng-ah. Where are you? I'll pick you up."

"No, no. You - holy _shit,_ is that... is that Doyoung with you? I heard his voice."

"I called him because I was worried... I'm sorry. I - _Baby, it's okay_ \- I just... didn't like to wait for you alone. I'm sorry I haven't left our apartment yet, but - but in my defense you told me not to leave. We're inside the car now, where - where are you?"

 _Baby._ He snorts bitterly. _Fucking baby._

"You said I was the love of your life." Sicheng says instead of revealing his location, and he hates his voice for trembling, hates himself for sounding like he's desperate and whining and almost begging. "I _thought_ I was the love of your life."

"Sicheng, _please._ Just reveal where you are. I'm - I'm really getting worried."

"Answer me. _Christ_. Just -"

"I thought so, too." Yuta admits softly from the other side. There. The answer.

He doesn't realize he's sobbing until Yuta gently tells him, _shh, stop crying, you big baby. Doyoung and I will come pick you up._ And Sicheng finally decides to send his location. Yuta is true to his words. The pair did pick him up. That night, Sicheng makes a selfish conclusion on his head: _These two won't last a year together._

* * *

"For our fourth anniversary, I'm actually planning to propose to Doyoung." 

_Jesus Christ._ Donghyuck sends Sicheng a link of a Clown Make-Up Tutorial that day. _Prick._

* * *

_Stupid bitch,_ Sicheng thinks as he stares at a very giddy and very annoying and very drunk Yuta laying on their couch.

The younger boy sighs and attempts to remove Yuta's leather jacket, but before he can even reach for his intoxicated friend slash roommate, Yuta immediately pushes him away, even managing to have Sicheng's ass fall on the floor. Fuck. Sicheng tries to help him and this is what he gets in return?

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He asks, eyes narrowed and obviously pissed. Sicheng stands and furrows his eyebrows. He doesn't get paid enough for this shit. Sicheng wonders if Donghyuck has ever experienced this kind of thing with his boyfriend or - oh, hell _no_. Yuta and him aren't even together, he really has to chase weird thoughts out of his head.

Yuta's giggles wakes him from his thoughts. Even when drunk and even when he reeks of cheap beer and strong perfume of strangers, Sicheng hates himself for melting at the sight of Yuta's smile.

"I know I'm pretty but you really shouldn't hit on me." He slurs adorably - oh _God_ , Sicheng thinks he's adorable now even when Yuta's being dumb.

"I'm not - I'm not trying to hit on you, though?"

Sicheng thinks Yuta didn't hear him, maybe too drunk to function properly. But in alcohol's defense, Yuta does stupid shit even when he's sober.

"Excuses, excuses! I don't want to hear those... excuses.." Then he chortles. "I have a boyfriend. So. Yeah. Back off."

 _Boyfriend_. Sicheng tries to ignore the heaviness on his chest and the way his heart tightened and how his stomach sank but the reminders that Yuta won't ever be his anymore don't leave him alone.

"Your boyfriend's going to kill me if you keep getting drunk like this." He mutters instead.

Sicheng reaches for Yuta's jacket, and surprisingly, the latter made no attempt to push him away. Thank God.

"I really hope you're Sicheng." Yuta suddenly blurts out as the younger changes his clothes. He's done this before, it's not really something that flusters him, but for some reason, Sicheng's hand shake a little more this time.

Hearing his name come out from his throat makes Sicheng's heart do a strange flip. "I - uh - I'm sorry?"

"I trust him... Sicheng." He explains and the person he's talking about doesn't miss the tiredness resting on his voice. "He won't... do anything... stupid. He knows I really like Doyoung."

Sicheng gulps. Yuta thinks too highly of him, he realizes.

"What do you like about Doyoung?" Deciding to hurt himself even more, he asks.

Sicheng finds himself regretting asking the moment he sees literal fucking stars shine on Yuta's fucking beautiful eyes.

"Ah. Everything." He says dreamily and Sicheng braces himself for the hurt. This is going to be a long ass ride. "Have you seen him smile so wide? Y'know... When he flashes his.. _gumball_ smile...?"

" _Gummy_." Sicheng corrects.

"Ah! You're right." Yuta chuckles and ruffles Sicheng's hair. "You're such a smart guy. How do you know my boyfriend?"

"... We attended the same school."

Yuta closes his eyes, smiling still, and then he hums. Nodding, he whispers. "When I was in college, I had a crush on Sicheng."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"Yeah?" He almost stutters.

"Hmm... Yeah." A laugh. "But he didn't like me back."

"Were you hurt? When he told you he didn't like you back?"

"Hurt like hell." He admits as Sicheng's heart plummets to the ground. "But he shouldn't feel bad for not returning my feelings. That's.. _bad._ I don't - I don't want Sicheng to feel - burdened."

If he keeps on talking like this, Sicheng fears he'll fall deeper. He decides enough is enough. "Let's tuck you to bed, Yuta."

"Hold on... Can you get me my phone? I gotta... apologize... to..."

"You can call him tomorrow. You're tired." He tries to guide Yuta to his room but the latter shakes his head.

Sicheng sighs, thinking of a method Kun would use if he was stuck in a situation like this. He can't think of any.

He fixes Yuta's disheveled hair and bangs and freezes when he sees tears forming at the corner of his eyes.

"I have - I really have to go apologize, Sicheng, I -" He hiccups and Sicheng's lungs feel airless and spaceless and suddenly too narrow for him to gather air to breathe. "I really fucked up. I accused him of - of cheating on - me. He won't _ever_ do that - I really fucked up."

"No. You didn't. Baby, come here." The nickname easily slips away his mouth, like it's natural, but the thing is: it's not, and it shouldn't be. He mentally slaps himself. "Yuta. I - I can give him a call while you sleep."

Yuta closes his eyes and finally nods. He opens them again, and gives Sicheng a stare. "You promise?"

Sicheng looks down and realizes Yuta's showing his pinky finger to him. "I promise."

* * *

"Hi, Doyoung."

The voice on the other line is shaky, like the person behind has just finished crying.

"... This isn't Yuta's voice. Where's Yuta? What have you done to him?"

"This is Sicheng. Yuta's currently sleeping. He - uh - he drank and... wanted to call you before he slept but I said I'd call you for him. I'm sorry - he just really needed to take a rest."

"Oh." An ugly pause. "Is he alright? He'll get hangover tomorrow morning, I'm sure. Is it okay if I go to your place tomorrow? What time does he usually wake up when he drinks?"

"Eleven."

"Alright. I'll drop by at 9, is that cool with you?"

"That's - that's okay. I'm cool. I'm cool with it."

"Thanks for taking care of him, Sicheng."

"You're... welcome. I mean, Yuta and I are... friends, anyway. So."

Doyoung hums. "I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

Sicheng leaves their apartment to give the two space. When he came back, the different rings on their ring finger don't get unnoticed. Sicheng wonders why the hell they have two different rings - then he remembers Doyoung holding a little box when he arrived - and Yuta's plan to propose - and - 

* * *

Yuta moves out a week after. He said he's found a job on a well-respected law firm.

Sicheng lets him go.

* * *

**Hi. This is Doyoung.**

It's been a month since Yuta moved out. Sicheng tames his heart before replying.

**Hello :)**

**Is everything OK?**

**Fortunately, yes.**

**Yuta told me to check on you. He's worried you might get lonely.**

Yuta sure knows him too well.

**I'm alright! Thanks for asking.**

**That's good to hear.**

**A letter will arrive on your apartment in two days.**

**I helped Yuta write it.**

**I'm glad you're doing well, Sicheng.**

**I hope we become friends.**

* * *

Like Yuta, Doyoung is also true to his words.

_Sicheng,_ the letter greets. He holds his breath.

 _You were thinking quite loudly while we were washing the dishes the morning after you took care of me when I was drunk. I could hear your thoughts, they were painted all over your face. There are some things you don't need to say for me to hear. Some answers that don't have to be spoken, and only felt. Sicheng. Cheng-ah._ I heard you. _I heard you saying it back when you brought me to the school clinic after punching your homophobic lecturer right on the nose. I heard you say it back when you played with my dog to distract her from seeing my piercing. I knew you've said it back the moment you pressed a kiss on my nose before drifting to sleep. I remember._ _  
_

_Sicheng, I'm gonna need you to do something for me, yeah? Don't blame yourself too much.  
_

_I was very scared, too.  
_

_And you see, getting scared... that's natural. That's_ human. _  
_

_I know you don't believe in soulmates, but if the idea of it_ was _real, I genuinely think you were mine._

 _Doyoung's different, though, Cheng-ah. He's someone not even fate can take control of, or even touch. Our story... how do I say this. It didn't start off with anything grand, or magical, or huge - but it didn't have to. Love doesn't have to_ look _pretty. It just... has to_ feel _beautiful, and that's exactly what he makes me feel everyday, on every moment we spend together._ _And will spend together. I hope you find someone like that, too, Sicheng. And it's perfectly OK if that someone is_ yourself _._ _  
_

_We had our time, Sicheng. I'm glad it was you. I forgive you.  
_

_I hope you ~~leanr~~ learn to f ~~orguve -~~  
_

_I hope to learn to forgive yourself, too.  
_

_Na Yuta._

Sicheng's fingers tremble. He needs someone right now. Someone to -

* * *

_"_ Sicheng?" Kun asks from the other line. "Is everything okay?"

Hearing his childhood friend's voice and being able to speak in his first language makes him want to cry again. "Kun, I think I need to go back in China."

"What? I - did something happen with Yuta?"

 _Jesus_. Just hearing his name makes him tear up. He chokes at his own sobs. "Yeah."

"Oh, I -I'm sorry. Did... did the two of you talk? Are you and Yuta, like... okay?"

"No, and..." And he thinks of the letter, of all the chances he's wasted and words left unsaid and apologies forgiven and confessions he should have just _spat out_ and he answers: "We are."

" _That's -_ What's - Yangyang, do not test me right now -!" Kun screeches, horrified. "Kunhang, no cursing in this fucking household!"

Sicheng allows a smile to tug the corner of his lips as he listens to Kun's nagging and the other boys' mischievousness. For a moment, he forgets about Yuta and Doyoung and a failed love he's trying to forget. He closes his eyes, corners still brimming with tears and _laughs_ loudly when he recognizes Xuxi imitating Justin Bieber on the background. He feels like he's 8 again, in China and laughing along with friends he hadn't talk to for a long time but still talk to him as if no time has passed.

He could get used to this, he realizes -

\- and this time, he's not too late.

**Author's Note:**

> ...... you can scream at me now. 
> 
> OH, and also if i hadn't make it clear (because........ i Suck at writing:  
> 1\. yuta said, "baby, it's ok" while he was talking to drunk!sicheng because doyoung was irked why yuta had to apologize for inviting him to his apartment.  
> 2\. doyoung proposed to yuta the morning they reconciled and yuta, overwhelmed, revealed he's also been planning to propose. thats why they wore diff rings that day. (yes, they both cried)
> 
> a lil fun fact no one cares about but..... this story was actually supposed to be markhyuck. donghyuck was going to be sicheng, mark as yuta, and lucas as doyoung. but i suddenly thought nah lets give them a more painful oneshot lol fuck them kids


End file.
